Right Side of Me

Archive for November, 2009

Manic Monday

Posted by chulalongkorn on November 23, 2009

It’s amazing how every week is pretty much the same. On Monday, something stressful will come out out of nowhere, usually. Though Man United won league match against Everton, nothing much could cheer a Monday…

I have been feeling what i’m missing in my real and daily life, and wrote down a few of the things that i’d like to have with my woman, Mamanoni

  • To be mothered once in awhile
  • To make love least 3 times a week
  • who can be nice, “loving” , and patient with me
  • who can give me space once in awhile, emotionally and physically without thinkin I doesn’t love her anymore
  • who can cook…Sambal ikan bilis
  • A partner in life who isn’t too complicated
  • who can enjoy the simple things in life
  • who likes to be taken care of and isn’t controlling the king…



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Rambling Roar

Posted by chulalongkorn on November 20, 2009

I just don’t know how I feel right now. I feel so many different emotions, they just blend into one massive bundle of nerves. I’m feeling not so great physically. I feel very sick and nauseous and just not feeling too great What the fuck did I do just now?…ah, forget it..  

I want the future to be here so badly. I want to be forever living with Mamanoni, in our own house, managing our own family, with a stable job that I love, wish to travel the world (hopefully someday), being happy and accomplishing my dreams and feeling like I’m living my life to the fullest. I know I should be enjoying my life where I am right now. I’m only young once and I realised that we are all grown-up so fast.

I think I’m just longing for stability and having all the changes that are going to happen in my life. I’m just really nervous about my lil Myra age 2 months now..

Life’s just sort of…blah. It’s not too terribly bad right now but not good either. It’s more toward the miserable, sad side. I mean, it’s not awfully unbearable, but it isn’t where I’d like it to be and I’m not exactly happy with it either. I just feel left out. Like I’m not really enjoying life or living it or being a part of it. (But I’m not going to kill myself for any reason)..

I’m excited about this weekend though., I also really really want to get a hand and foot massage/treatment thing wotsoever where they do exfoliation and mositurizing and crap. I’m just really craving some kind of nice indulgence for myself really. Well I think I’ve babbled enough in this entry, and plus, my phone just can’t stop ringing….

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All Apologise…

Posted by chulalongkorn on November 19, 2009

Married life is pretty much the same as cohabitation.  The only difference is that when one of us starts complaining about the other, and at the end we just say, “Well, you married me!, nothing I can do ’bout it”  as I just refer to her as “my wife”, “the little woman”, and so on…My philosophy is simple: She was Nik Rozilah before I dated her, Nik Rozilah before I married her, and he’s still Nik Rozilah today.  The only new name she got from me is Mamanoni.

As far as I can feel, my little Myra is growing well.  I hope and predict she’ll be in good and healthy inside e womb.  I think she’s eating well, taking her prenatals- the only thing is I think she should get more exercise which is good for her early pregnancy. Sometimes I cry for my children, for how can I raise psychologically healthy kids when I’m not even okay myself?  Should I cry for someone else?  Should  I feel bad for the people who end up on the other side of my “mood swings”?  Even if they can’t tell the difference between a real “mood swing” and a valid emotional response?  Should I be okay with the fact that my concerns fall on deaf ears? Well tell me wot else should I be…all apologise!!

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Posted by chulalongkorn on November 14, 2009

I haven’t been designing much lately. I just haven’t felt up to it, and it makes me sad. I always think I find something to be passionate about and get really into and then I end up falling out of it not too long after. Sigh. I guess my fickle nature always gets the better of me somehow. 

I also hate the condescending way Mamanoni “asks” me stuff about Angeleena. It puts me on the defensive and really makes me angry. She just passes judgement on shit she knows nothing about and it’s make me angry beyond belief! I just hate when people do that, especially about Angeleena. It’s freaking frusturating! Sigh.

Once again, I’m feeling detached from life, like this isn’t my life and I’m not really who I am. I don’t like this feeling of being disoriented and disembodied. It frusturates me. But then again, what doesn’t frusturate me as of late? I feel so distant from everyone and everything. So tired of it all. It’s disheartening when no one understands how or why you feel the way you do and they all just attack you for everything you’re feeling. It kills me. Everything is killing me. Slowly but softly it is. 

I have no energy today. Absolutely zero. And no strength, no will, no determination or even inclination to do works on Saturday. Living is just too hard for me, lately it seems that way. My days seem to be getting more difficult, and I get no rest from sleep at all anymore. It’s eating away at me, both physically and mentally. I have a very tempermental personality. My moods can change at the drop of a hat, and I’m incredibly passionate and fiery, yet very despondent and reclusive.

Mamanoni is the best wife I ever have and I adore her beyond what words can describe. I can only sleep well when I sleep next to her. I guess love does make everything better. We’ve had our differences and our arguments, but I would never trade any of it for anything. She knows the deepest and worst parts of my life and myself, and she still love me and support me, and I appreciate that immensely. It’s led us to where we are now, and I treasure every second I get to be with her. I can get easily emotionally overwhelmed, and when that happens, I just shut down completely. I’m an empathy kind of person and can feel the emotions of others easily.

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The Evil that Men Do…

Posted by chulalongkorn on November 12, 2009

That’s pretty lame that I haven’t updated for a while. There’s a few things going on and…I recognize my feelings; I just don’t understand why I’m having them. 

That’s not even what I’m upset about.  It’s just that no matter what I do, how well or how fast I do it, it’s never enough.  And then when I screw up, you’d think I’d ruined everything and never did anything good in my whole life.  And then she hides behind trying to be a good mother and making sure I do as much as I can and be as responsible as I can for myself.  And yet, I see other parents exressing the same things in ways that actually, I don’t know, are constructive and make sense???

It’s one thing to ruminate on the idea that some people have such poor self image that they must make the people around them feel bad to make themselves feel good, as it is to discuss displacement of aggression.  But what about people who grew up with this?  Who can’t understand why they were made the target, or why they can’t “work” or “grow” out of it…  It tires me.  I’m really thinking about going into therapy to work this out on my end.  Maybe a professional can give me some new insight…sigh!

Another thing ’bout me is I am an extremely affectionate person and I like to share that affection. I love to cuddle, I like cuddling with Mamanoni! I just like to share all the love I have to give with her, truly I want to only share my intimate side with someone who respects me and can also be open with me and vulernable with me as well. I’ve learned the hard way that opening up to others can be extremely risky and usually ends up with a fight with her, which is why when people actually seem to give a shit about me and my issues that I fall all over myself and usually end up in love. I just have to learn to love, but not be in romantic love, meaning that not to end it in bed which is something I think I’m learning to do. I’ve just had to mature a bit more, which hasn’t been easy for me.

I also wanted to talk about how I’m going to implicate this new realization and view of life I now have. I want to use my second chance to improve my relationship with Mamanoni. I’m going to not dwell because I realize that most of the time, her feelings aren’t really about me as a person, but have more to do with my lack of responsibility and internal issues and conflicts we’re dealing with. I realize I am a pretty damn decent person, if I do say so myself. And I’m going to try and remember that more often.


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Tok Guru minta Asri bersabar…

Posted by chulalongkorn on November 10, 2009

Saya terpanggil untuk memberi ulasan saya sendiri atas penahanan bekas mufti perlis Dr Asri oleh JAIS baru2 ini. Baru2 ini beliau (Dr Asri) telah membuat kunjungan hormat ke pejabat menteri besar Kelantan di Kota Bharu, katanya “Tok guru menasihatkan saya supaya bersabar serta terus menulis dengan bersungguh-sungguh dan boleh guna tema ‘Di sini Saya Bermula’. Sungguh dalam maknanya tajuk yg disarankan Tok Guru itu..dan saya percaya Dr Asri tidak akan mensia2kan harapan Tok Guru kepadanya itu. Sesungguhnya sabar itu separuh dari iman.

tok guru

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International Friendly: England vs Brazil

Posted by chulalongkorn on November 9, 2009

Fabio Capello has named Aston Villa defender Stephen Warnock, Tottenham midfielder Tom Huddlestone and Sunderland striker Darren Bent in the England squad for the upcoming friendly against Brazil. England will take on the five-time world champions on Saturday November 14, 2009 in Doha in Qatar and Capello has named several fresh faces, However, there is no place for Manchester United striker Michael Owen. Anyway, there’s 4 Manchester United players was included in the squad.

Ben Foster, Robert Green, Joe Hart.

Wayne Bridge, Wes Brown, Gary Cahill, Glen Johnson, Joleon Lescott, John Terry, Matthew Upson, Stephen Warnock.

Gareth Barry, David Beckham, Michael Carrick, Tom Huddlestone, Jermaine Jenas, Frank Lampard, James Milner, Shaun Wright-Phillips, Ashley Young.

Darren Bent, Peter Crouch, Jermain Defoe, Wayne Rooney.

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